Friday, March 02, 2007

Toilet humour

If you find discussion of earthy bodily functions & the lampooning of national institutions offensive, stop reading now, otherwise scroll on.














































I'm surprised you are still here. What are you, some kind of sicko? Well, never mind, welcome to the club.

Back in the 1980s, I met an ex-Navy man called Andy Harper, who had served on the Royal Yacht. he told us that on the former Royal Yacht Britannia, in one of the Mess Rooms, pride of place went to the display case containing the Royal Excrement.

Ships heads (toilets) work on the vacuum principle and need constant tinkering to keep right. It seems that a group of Navy Engineers took it upon themselves to collect a suitable souvenier of H.R.H. Queen Elizabeth II. This must have taken considerable planning to divert the plumbing, keep watch on the Queen's movements (in both senses of the word) and eventually collect the coveted star prize, a genuine royal jobbie. When they did, it was carefully dried and preserved in a glass box.

Now I have often wondered if this was the stuff of urban legend. However, I met someone else who was ex-Navy socially this week and he confirmed Andy harper's story. It isn't on the Snopes site though.

The best toilet I have been in was in the Royal Suite at the Doha Sheraton hotel. Great view, gold taps, choice of Eastern and Western facilities, even a phone in easy reach.

The worst toilet I have been in was in Saudi Arabia. I won't describe it but imagine what it must have been like at Woodstock...

Back in the 80s, my Lodger, a chap known as Digger, spent some time commuting to various European places via Schipol Airport. He would always make his way to the airport toilet for his daily ablution and he used Trap one as it was nearest the door. Now this convenience was fitted with the Germanic style of Water Closet, where the U bend is towards the front of the bowl rather than the back and the contributions fall onto a little shelf which has a small amount of residual water to aid flushing. Now apparently, the Teutonics are very concerned about bodily functions and will inspect the results for anything unusual (such as blood, pieces of colon, diced carrots, etc.) before performing the flush. The downside of this is that as the turd is not immersed, the provider has to bear the full force of the odour during this interval and it somewhat discourages the English pastime of taking a copy of the Sun into the cubicle.

Anyway, Digger muttered about this at regular intervals. Then, one day, he came back from a trip and he said he was gutted. When he went to the loo as usual- Trap one was occupied, so he went in to Trap two. He then found that this had a perfectly normal UK style pan, as did all the others when he checked afterwards! It had never ocurred to him that the toilet would have a mixed estate of styles, and why would it?

8 comments:

Jeremy Jacobs said...

Last Saturday, whilst still in Africa I caught a dose of the Tanzania Trotts. My system is only about 90% perfect as we speak. You must have read my mind.

Ian Grey said...

Montezuma often gets revenge, and not just in Mexico. Bass was a secret blend of the Incas...

Liz said...

Does the Queen know? Well, she does now ... obviously, being an avid fan of blogging.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Still laughing! Thank you for cheering me up. I think that must be true about the Royal whatsit. Do you know anything about Iranian loos? I was invited to the house of some Iranian students in the UK and I just couldn't work out what all those - err, seemed to be polystyrene balls - were doing in the bowl. Oh, well...

Ian Grey said...

Welshcakes, I've not been to Iran but the standard Gulf toilet is the same style as that found in parts of France and the Med- such as shown here:-

http://members.virtualtourist.com/m/57d7e/b68/a/

Apparently assuming the squatting position is much better for our bodies than the Western way as there is very little straining involved, other than straining to not fall over!

Polystyrene balls? I never saw anything in Arab toilets other than skid marks.

I suppose if the toilet was as stained and disgusting as most student toilets, the balls might go some way to hiding it as they won't flush away.

Of course, ping pong balls in the pan are a well known way of training small boys to be more precise in their tinkling. Maybe it was an unsubtle hint from the girl students to the boy students.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

thanks, Ig. What a mine of information you are!

Liz said...

When Elder Son was in Birmingham uni, he shared a student flat in the first year with a variety of people. One of them left his used toilet paper next to the toilet - there wasn't a bin there so he just left it in a pile on the floor. None of the other flatmates liked to tell him so they just left it piling up for weeks.

Ian said...

Liz, was the Student from somewhere like Majorca? The inadequacy of the drains there requires a bin for the "shit samosas".